Disclaimer #2: This is a shitty post (pun intended). It's not about how wonderful flowers smell or how beautiful the sunset is. It's rated PG-2 for the urinating/pooping outside of a diaper audience. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Disclaimer #3: I am writing this while sitting next to the boys battling it out in an intense game of Starcraft at a PC 방 (room). I tried to just play Tetris but the plethora of Starcraft games going on lagged my game and I kept falling into 5th place because of it in the Sprint 5P game on Facebook. And my friend is playing the same damn Korean song ballad over and over. It's a shame because I really liked it and I predict that after tonight I will hate it.
Okay, to the real story. SQUATTERS. So I've spent nearly a year with these good fellows and well, today reminded me of the good times we've shared. Despite my newly developed legs of steel (entirely due to squatters and none to Taekwondo), it's been quite a relationship. We've had some joyful moments, we've shared some laughs, but we definitely also had some poopers (literally).Every relationship begins with a bit of awkwardness. How do I approach it? I don't want to scare it off right away. I should be gentle. If I come on too strong that could be a disaster. Take it slow, Amy. But...how do I charm it? Will it be kind to me and accept me? How can I ease this tension?
I flush for good measure.
Seems to be working alright. Okay, so we've broken the ice. So now it's all about reading each other and knowing how not to piss (pun intended) each other off. Which direction do I face? So do I take off my pants entirely? How far down do I squat?
Squat...squat...squat...annnnnnnd GO! SUCCESS! Whew! Relationship established.
But in every long lasting relationship comes the first quarrel. A lot of times it's shitty. And in this case, super shitty. Stop reading now if you're disgusted easily, because I may easily disgust you now.
I went out with my school at the beginning of the school year. We had a large raw beef and seafood dinner (meh) and then went to the norae bang (singing room). That undelish food didn't settle too well so I rushed to the bathroom, which of course had a long line of my school staff. When it was finally my turn, it HAD to be the squatter. I wasn't ready for that step in our relationship yet, but things (aka my stomach) had taken a turn for the worst. So in a hurry, I just ripped off my bottoms and let myself go! And after full relief (I told you, gross), I looked up to find NO toilet paper! So the other teacher waiting after me comes in and I'm scrambling to ask her for some more (A LOT more) in my non-existent Korean. Welcome to the school!
But this helped break into our relationship and it's been pretty good ever since. We still managed to have our ups and downs, though. Like the time I was in such a hurry to catch the bus after school that I pissed myself off! Like, pissed all over the bottom of my pants. Or the time I found a dead baby rat floating around in my school's bathroom. Or every time I walk into an unflushed squatter (or even worse a blasted disaster) from someone's previous poop-a-thon. Or when I take a step back and my foot accidentally falls in. Or how drunkees can't aim well and puke lands all over the sides, making me nearly do the splits just to pee. And can't forget the rebounded pounds and liters of intestinal excess (little bouncers).
And today another misadventure consisted of me doing my urine sample at the hospital for some drug test. I had to pee badly but urine sampling over squatters makes me nervous. So it took me 5 minutes just to drop a drip, and as I shift myself for a better position, I drop my cup and scream "I GO!!!" (Korean version of "SHIT!"). And then it takes me another 10 minutes to finally fill the damn cup.
Anyway, it's been a rough year, but I think Squatter and I will make it through. Nothing can tear us apart. Except maybe a door stall, because if it's closed and locked, it means he's with someone else.
Bastard.
And I'm officially sick of this Korean song.
1 comment:
Crappy indeed.
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